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 From the very beginning, my drug and alcohol use had consequences. I began partying at age 13 and within 2 months, I had been arrested 5 times, hospitalized, and enrolled in a drug and alcohol treatment program. The program was the first of many to fail. By age 16, I had been introduced to meth and was using it on a daily basis. Two months before my 18th birthday, I entered my 5th treatment program. I learned a lot there but refused to take all of their suggestions. After a year and ten days sober, I relapsed.
My addiction came back with full force. I was working and so was able to support an even bigger habit. After ten months, I quit my job to go back to school, but when the time came, I was unable to stop getting high to attend classes. I didn’t know it then, but this was the beginning of the downward spiral that would eventually lead me to the doors of MSW. Using drugs became the only activity in my life. I got involved in an abusive relationship and began selling drugs to support our habit. My parents moved me to Michigan to get me away from the relationship but I returned home because I was desperate to get high and I couldn’t find my drug of choice. I was arrested less than twenty-four hours after getting home. Over the next year and a half, I was arrested several more times, began using heroin, and often found myself homeless. I was stealing whatever I could to support my habit. I knew I needed treatment to comply with the terms of my probation and to save me from myself. On August 2, 2006, after months of hounding from my mother, my insurance company finally relented and agreed to refer me to MSW.
Even though I had fought to get into treatment, once at MSW, I continued to resist change. I was paralyzed with fear at the thought of letting down the walls I had spent years building up. I desperately wanted help but didn’t know how to let anyone in. I had to be hospitalized several times for self-destructive behavior and even had a relapse in treatment. Fortunately for me, the MSW staff never gave up on me. As difficult as I was, the staff at MSW made every effort to support me and to teach me how to nurture and take care of myself. I stayed in the residential program for 6 months, and on January 31, 2007, I moved out of MSW and into MSW’s transitional housing. After residential, I enrolled in MSW’s day treatment program, where I learned how to cope with the real world sober. I graduated from day treatment in December of 2007. I currently attend one continuing care group per week at MSW and live in Larkspur House, where I am the house manager.
In my addiction, I had come to believe that I was stupid and would never accomplish anything in life. Today, I am beginning my second year as a full time student at College of Marin with a 4.0 GPA, and am working on a transfer to UC Berkeley. I have relationships with my family and friends that are loving, supportive, and fulfilling. And thanks to the foundation I was given at MSW, I have been sober since November 9, 2006.
The MSW treatment and housing programs created a space for me to slowly build upon my successes and transition to a sober lifestyle. It has helped me to feel good enough about myself to not only stop using drugs, but also to have the self confidence to tackle the challenges of building relationships with family and friends, and to return to school. I came to MSW two years ago utterly hopeless, filled with anger, fear, and bitterness; today I am filled with gratitude for the blessings in my life, know that I can handle any difficulty as long as I remain sober, and am actually excited for the rest of my life. I truly believe that Marin Services for Women saved my life, and I am eternally grateful for my newfound freedom.
Briana
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 I started using marijuana and alcohol recreationally in high school and continued in college while I was attending San Francisco State. During my time there, I was introduced to meth and my recreational use quickly became a full blown addiction. At some point going to class and doing homework became secondary to getting high. I decided to leave SF State and just tried community colleges in the East Bay off and on. Sometimes I would function and be ok, but most of the time I felt terrible and never really took school seriously. Eventually I dropped out of college entirely.
I began supporting myself and my habit by committing crimes and selling drugs fulltime. As my drug use progressed, so did the hold it had on my life. I soon started using Heroin and that’s when I hit some of the lowest points in my life. My addiction was causing me to do things I never thought possible. I would drink or get high and would try to drive myself where I needed to go. On more than one occasion I blacked out while driving-I was wrecking cars and wrecking the lives of my family and everyone who cared about me. I had completely lost my purpose in life. I was a drug addict and I thought there was nothing I could do to get myself out of that. I had immersed myself so deeply in this destructive lifestyle that I thought I would never find my path again.
Eventually, I found myself unemployed, homeless and pregnant. I had nowhere to go and had completely run out of resources. Somehow I knew that my pregnancy would be my light at the end of the tunnel. When I was six months pregnant, I knew there was no turning back-I was going to have this baby and I knew I had to do something immediately.
On June 20, 2007, I came to MSW to check out their facilities. I checked myself in the very next day. When I first got to MSW I had a very difficult time. I realized that I hadn't spent one day sober in my entire adult life! Being sober allowed me the space to feel very intense emotions that I couldn't identify, nor control for that matter. I was very reluctant to participate in groups or even give the program a chance.
Eventually something inside of me shifted. I found staff I could trust and other women who understood me. MSW has given me a community and has made me feel like I am part of something. I have women I can look to for support and counselors I can go to for guidance. Mostly, I've learned to trust again and my faith in humanity has been restored.
Two months after leaving the residential program to move into transitional housing, I gave birth to my daughter. The support I received during that time from the staff and other women in the program was amazing. Getting to know and accept who I am has been one of the most challenging, yet exciting parts of recovery for me and having a child in early recovery has only compounded this. I've not only had to redefine myself as a sober woman, but also as a new mother. I've learned how to be responsible and be a good mother for my child.
MSW's programs and staff have truly given me my life back. Today, I'm still living in their transitional housing and attending day treatment as part of MSW's Outpatient Program. I'm embarking on restarting my college education and have dreams for a great future for both me and my daughter.
Brittney
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 My name is Tonjia Gumbel and I got sober on August 13th, 2007. My drugs of choice were alcohol and cocaine which I used for over twenty-five years. I've been thru MSW's program before, but the first time I wanted to do the program my way and I wouldn't take suggestions from anyone. As you can imagine, I kept using. I couldn't manage to stay sober for more than thirty days at a time. My continued attempts at sobriety failed and my disease
progressed.
In the throws of my addiction I became someone I didn't recognize. I neglected myself and my loved ones. I became increasingly irresponsible, anti-social, and in spite of everything I tried, I couldn't stop on my own. My lowest point was when I left my two young daughters home alone for three days. In a rare moment of clarity, I knew I needed help and I asked for it at MSW. They took me in and got me the help I needed.
Once I surrendered to the program and my God, I began to heal. I was in MSW's Residential Program for ninety days, attended outpatient groups for six months and lived in their transitional housing for five months. Now, I attend a Seeking Safety group once a week at MSW to get the help I need for my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
The biggest challenge I face in recovery is becoming a mother to my children again and going back to work. But MSW has shown me how to live life sober, one day at a time. They've also taught me the importance of staying connected and asking for help when I need it. Above all, MSW taught me that I have a gift of choice and freedom. So now I choose to stay free from the drugs and alcohol that once had such a strong hold on me. I will be forever grateful to MSW.
Today my life is filled with family, friends, love and a rewarding career. My message to other women suffering in addiction is that there is hope, love, guidance and freedom at MSW. I never have to drink or use again, the choice is mine. One day at a time.
Tonjia
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 As far back as I can remember, I have always felt different from everyone else. I was the chubby little girl with glasses and no friends. I felt alone and thought no one liked me because I was chubby. I started drinking when I was 14. I was a blackout drinker from the get-go. I hated the taste of alcohol, but loved the feeling I got once it went down my throat. It was like everything was ok with the Kerrie inside. It made me feel a part of something and I'd never felt that before. I didn't even like getting drunk but I kept doing it every chance I got.
A year later I was introduced to Meth and fell in love with it instantly. I used as often as I could and because of it, I started to lose weight fast. I thought I had arrived! I used the weight-loss to feel self-worth, even though the rest of my life seemed worthless. I started to get in trouble at home a lot. My family was constantly worried when I would stay gone for days and sometimes weeks at a time. As a result, my parents kicked me out of their home as soon as I turned 18. Shortly thereafter I entered into my first treatment program. Though I got clean, it didn't last long. 28 days later I went back to my dealer.
For the next 7 years I was basically homeless. I lived in my car and on friends' couches. I lived out of garbage bags, not even a suitcase. My family wanted nothing to do with me unless I was ready to get help. I eventually was completely homeless. I was sickly-thin, like a skeleton, my clothes were dirty, I had head lice and food was very hard to come by. Out of desperation and hunger, I called my Grandfather. He said he'd help me if I agreed to go back to another treatment program. I entered my second treatment program and stayed clean and sober for 2 and 1/2 years, and had my daughter. I fell in love with a man who was also in recovery. In 1999, I began smoking marijuana again and got married in 2000. That year I started living a double life as a drug user pretending to be in recovery and marked the beginning of another downward spiral.
In 2003 I picked up meth again. Within a year I was deep into my addiction and found out that I was pregnant. I wanted so badly to quit, but couldn't be honest enough to ask for help. At 6 months pregnant, I went into a third treatment program. I wanted to stop for good, but wasn't willing to let go of old associates. After 3 months of completing the program I was using again. This time I hit my bottom really fast, and after a couple months my husband took our children and left me. I was miserable and my heart was so empty but I still could not stop. I missed them so much and wanted them back, but I was also relieved to finally just be able to use and not worry about them. But, the relief didn't last long, and I was realizing that I didn't have any fight left in me to try and get high. I was losing my own battle with myself and my addiction. I was desperate for a change. It was then that my doctor referred me to MSW. I must admit that my disease yelled at me to just go there to get my kids back, but once I got there, something inside of me changed and I was finally willing to surrender to my addiction. I'd been in treatment before and I'd always heard that you have to be willing to go to any lengths to stay clean and sober. So that's what I tried my hardest to do.
At MSW I jumped in right away and started unloading my issues in process groups, taking every opportunity possible to dump out all of the poison I'd kept inside for so long. My husband came from Napa every week for family night. We gained so much from sharing and processing our feelings in that group. At MSW, I built strong bonds with the other women, and I believe that played a big part in why I am still clean and sober today. At MSW I was given tools to stay clean and the opportunity to practice those tools in a safe and loving environment.
Today my family and I are happy. They trust me again. My husband and I are better than we've ever been. My children are happy and they have a mom who is present in their lives today. My oldest child no longer has to worry about being woken up in the middle of the night just to be dragged out of the house and taken to some awful place so that I could score drugs. Today she feels safe.
MSW loved me until I could love myself. I am forever grateful to MSW for being there and helping me to gain my life back. I am proud to be an alumnus of MSW and I do as much service there as I can. When I walk through the doors at MSW today, there is this wonderful feeling of being at home and of knowing that everything is going to be alright. I have been clean and sober since September 5, 2006. Thank you MSW, I love you.
Kerrie
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